How to Help an Angry Person

Angry personBy:  Rick Thomas  

We Don’t Do Well Being God

The angry man is a sad man. The angry man is a reckless man. Did you know the angry man is a scared man too? Anger is most often born out of insecurity. The angry man is afraid he is not going to get his way, so he resorts to anger as a mechanism or means to get what he wants.

This is part of what it means to be in Adam. Fear, shame, and guilt were the first outpourings of Adam’s heart, shortly after he chose to not believe God. To walk away from God, as Adam chose to do, meant he had to become god. (Genesis 3:5).

The sad news for us is we don’t do well being god. It is hard to control everything, to be self-reliant, and to keep life well-managed. Therefore, anger becomes one of the tools in the arsenal of the fearful person who must have life on his terms.

Resistance Is Futile

Because of his Adamic selfishness, he learns early how to bend things toward his preferences and expectations. He becomes used to getting his way and the more you resist him, the more you experience his anger.

He becomes vengeful or spiteful. Once it goes to this level, it is not so much about getting his way as it is his desire to punish you for trying to exert your preferences over his craving to be god–to be in control of his world.

In his own twisted mind of self-centered deduction, he is god. Somebody has to be god and his arrogance blinds him into believing he is the only one worthy of that mantle.

The angry man is like a kid sitting on the floor “throwing a tantrum” until his parent acquiesces by giving him what he wants.

If the parent does acquiesce in order to appease his tight-fisted demands, his anger-born-out-fear-Adamic-nature soon morphs into a habit–a way of life. Anger becomes the portal for him to get his desires met. Resistance become futile.

Anger Is Born Out of Fear

There is a thin line between making demands out of fear and making demands out of habit. If the child is not properly parented, he will soon learn how anger can be a tool to get anything his selfish heart craves.

Anger then becomes an addiction, which is what Paul outlined in the first part of Galatians 6:1. In time, the kid becomes ensnared by his own devices.

Initially, he wanted his way because he was afraid he was not going to get this or that. As he grows, he learns how anger can work for him.

Sadly, as you look back on his life, you will see how it worked for him: there will be a string of broken relationships in his wake.

Like all “gods,” you have to choose whether or not you’re going to serve them. The angry person demands your complete allegiance. If you do not give him what he wants, then you will be in the growing number of people who cannot be his friends.

Anger Is Also Weakness

There is a twist of irony to the narrative of the angry person. He appears to be strong because of his bellowing, but he is not. The angry man is a weak man.

It takes no strength to blow-off someone. It takes a lot of strength to submit yourself to the power of the Holy Spirit while walking in self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

The angry person seems to never learn this lesson from the Spirit. He has power (anger), but he does not have Power (Spirit) over his power. The book of Proverbs gives us some insight regarding this Power over your power notion (see Proverbs 16:32, 14:29, 29:22).

Anger is power, force, rage, or violence. Though the angry man appears to be strong, he is not.

He is weak, the servant of something he chooses not to bring under the control of the Spirit’s enablement.

Get Help

Unless the Spirit of God grabs his heart, it typically does not work to help the angry man alone. Helping him should be a community event.

In Proverbs 14:29 God used the word folly to describe the angry person. The word folly represents the action or the behavior of the angry person–he commits folly.

Folly (behavior) comes from a fool (heart). Folly is what the angry person does, while fool describes who the angry person is.

The angry man is a fool and you would be wise not to interact with him alone. He does not play by God’s rules because he is playing god.

Typically, he will use any means necessary to justify his position, while blaming you for the things which are wrong. Anger is a form of insanity: it’s not according to a biblical mind.

If you are the wife of an angry man, you are well within your God-given rights to make an appeal to your husband to get some help.

Because he is a god, he is breaking the first commandment, which functionally disqualifies him from leading you. You cannot absolutely follow someone who is not following the true and living God (1 Corinthians 11:1).

If he will not listen to your appeals, you are fully released to find help from your local church (Matthew 18:15-17). You may appeal to the primary care person in your church.

He is caught in sin. He needs you to help rescue him, but you cannot do this alone. Sinful anger, as described in this article, is an addiction—a learned habit, born out of an Adamic nature.

Don’t be fooled into thinking it will go away on its own. It rarely does. In my experience I’ve seen the best results when the body of Christ comes alongside an angry person.


About Pastor Douglas Graham

Dr. Douglas Graham started MadeToFish in 2007. MadeToFish is about "Growing and helping others grow in the Gospel." Doug is the Pastor of Cedarville Nazarene Church. Our church website is:
This entry was posted in Anger, Biblical Counseling, Christlikeness, Conflict, Fear, Godly wisdom, Grace, Humility, Parenting, Rick Thomas, Sanctification, self-reliance, Selfish desires, The Gospel, The Heart, Unbelief and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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